Joke Thread! Need a good laugh?

[Bluemound Freak]

I figured that the posts have become a little anemic around here as of late that you guys needed a little humor to lighten the spirits around here:

Feel free to post all the jokes you want!


The Lonely Trucker:

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks

stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight

up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want

your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of

money you could have one of my finest ladies and a

three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't

horny, I'm homesick."

 

[Bluemound Freak]

Holiday Cheer in Houston:

This past Christmas, I was rushing around
trying
to get some holiday
shopping done. It was cold and wet in the
parking
lot as I was loading up
my car. I heard a quiet sobbing coming from the
walkway by the mall
entrance.
The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy
of
about 12 years old. He
was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just
wearing a flannel shirt
to protect him from the cold chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a ten dollar bill
in
his hand. Thinking that
he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked
him
what was wrong. He told
me his sad story. He said that he had 2
brothers
and 1 sister and his
mother worked two full time jobs. She made very
little money to support
her family. Nevertheless, she had managed to
save
twenty dollars to buy
her children some Christmas presents.
The young boy had been dropped off by his
mother
on her way to work. He
was to use the twenty dollars to buy presents
for
all his siblings and
save just enough to take the bus home. He had
not
even entered the mall
when an older boy grabbed one of the ten dollar
bills and disappeared
into the mall.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The
boy
said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook
his
head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly
whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have
heard
that poor boy cry for
help.
So I grabbed his other ten dollar bill and ran
to
my car.
Happy holidays everyone!
Signed,
Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO

 

[Bluemound Freak]

> > > > > HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
> > > > > Wine her,
> > > > > Dine her,
> > > > > Hug her,
> > > > > Call her,
> > > > > Support her,
> > > > > Hold her,
> > > > > Surprise her,
> > > > > Compliment her,
> > > > > Smile at her,
> > > > > Listen to her,
> > > > > Laugh with her,
> > > > > Cry with her,
> > > > > Romance her,
> > > > > Believe in her,
> > > > > Cuddle with her,
> > > > > Shop with her,
> > > > > Give her Jewelry,
> > > > > Buy her flowers,
> > > > > Hold her hand,
> > > > > Write love letters to her,
> > > > > Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
> > > > >
> > > > > HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
> > > > >
> > > > > Show up naked.
> > > > > Bring beer and shut up until the commercials come on.

 

[Bluemound Freak]

>
> > > A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
> >and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant
> >watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde
> >that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
> > >
> > >
> > > The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
> and
> >I'm staying right here."
> > >
> > > The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
> copilot
> >that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
> >Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the
> blonde
> >and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will
> have to
> >leave and return to her seat.
> > >
> > > The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
> and
> >I'm staying right here."
> > >
> > > The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
> >waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to
> >reason.
> > >
> > > The pilot says: I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have
> learned
> >to speak "blonde'.
> > >
> > > He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question
> she
> >gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight
> >attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
> move
> >without any fuss.
> > >
> > > "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

 

[Bluemound Freak]

>
> > A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and
> > one night he's doing a show in a small town in
> > Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he's going
> > through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
> >
> > Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands
> > on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard
> > enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
> > you think you can stereotype women that way?
> > What does the color of a person's hair have to do
> > with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
> > you who keep women like me from being respected
> > at work and in the community and from reaching
> > their full potential as a person, because you
> > and your kind continue to perpetuate
> > discrimination against, not only blondes, but
> > women in general and all in the name of humor! "
> >
> > The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
> > apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out
> > of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
> > bastard on your knee! "

 

[Tito]

THE LAND OF OZ

THE LAND OF OZ

Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the
land of Oz, Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly
bored. She spent her days just floating around in her
little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping for someone
to help or inspire. One day, while floating around in her
bubble, she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little
yellow toad perched on a lilly pad. He looked extremely
depressed... She floated down to the toad and asked him
what could be the matter. "Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are
right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored
yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are
green. Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartedness and good will, she
waved her magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to
green. That is, all except his 'private parts.' They
remained bright yellow. "Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so
much, but my lower extremities! They're still yellow, while
the rest of me is green!" "Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad.
My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The
only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard,
the powerful Wizard of Oz." So, in hopeful anticipation, he
began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz
resided.

Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land
of Oz, floating around in her bubble. As she was passing
over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who
looked horribly depressed. "Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are
right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored
pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are
gray. Won't you please help me?" Mustering up all of her
kind heartedness and good will, she waved her magic wand over
the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all
except his 'private parts.' They remained cheerfully pink.
"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower
extremities! They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant. My powers are strong, but
apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be
able to help you might be the Wizard, the powerful Wizard of
Oz." "Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find
this fabled 'Wizard of Oz?'"

... And Glenda, The Good Witch said: "Just follow the
yellow-pricked toad!"...

 

[yyz]

Little Larry . . . ON ENGLISH:

Little Larry goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we Are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have An example of a multi-syllable
word?

Larry says "Mas-tur-bate. "

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Larry, that's a
mouthful. "

Little Larry says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blow-job."

*********************
Little Larry . . . ON GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful"
twice in the same sentence.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
Father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie, " replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful
banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said "Excellent, Michael! "

Then, the teacher called on little Larry? "Last night, at the
Dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, "Beautiful, just fuhcking beautiful!"

 

[ddubs]

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
>
> 10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC.
>
> 9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
>
> 8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
> 7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
>
> 6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
> 5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
> 4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
>
> 3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
>
> 2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the
> head!" - JFK,1963
>
> The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word......
>
> "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997

 

[BreakaLeg]

One day Tarzan met Jane in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during asking him about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that " he said. She explained what sex was and he said "Oh I use a hole in the trunk of a tree" Horrified, she said Tarzan you have it all wrong. "I'll show you how to do it properly" She took off all her clothes laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here" she said " you must put it in here" Tarzan removed his loincloth,stepped closer and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Evetually she managed to gasp "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Checking for bees" said Tarzan.

 

[wareagle]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

 

[wareagle]

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York
strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the
room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

 

[Jhpga]

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.
They left in the early morning hours and went home
separately. They met the next day for an early pint,
and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying,
"I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as
soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was
drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot,
and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I
don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most
drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife,
knocked a candle over and burned the whole house
down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy
exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you
understand... Chunks is my dog."

 

[Jhpga]

Three guys, Father, Son and Grandfather go out to play
a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off,
this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.The guys say sure, after all, she is a really beautiful women. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game." The guys agree and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, parring every hole. The foursome gets to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going
to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job you will never forget."The guys think what a deal! The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady,
aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will
break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen
to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over, picks
up the ball , drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says,
"That's a Gimme"

 

[Bluemound Freak]

LMFAO! Funny Golf Joke Man! Sounds about like My Grandpa!

 

[Blitz]

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture
> > when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud,
> > advanced toward him and stopped.
> > The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni
> > suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie,
> > leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I
> > can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
> > flock, will you give me one?"
> > The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his
> > peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."
> > The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer,
> >connected
> > it to a cellphone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he
called
> >up
> > a GPS
> > satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then
> > opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex
formulas.
> >He
> > finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized
> >printer,
> > turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586
> >sheep!"
> >
> > "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take
> > one of my sheep," said the shepherd. The shepherd
> > watched the man make a selection and bundle it into
> > his Cherokee.
> > When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can
> > tell you exactly what your political persuasion is,
> > where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep
back?"
> > "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a
> > Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse
> > Jackson," said the shepherd.
> > "Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did
> > you ever guess that?"
> > Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but
> > you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for
> > providing a solution to a question I already knew the
> > answer to. And, you don't know squat about what you're
> > doing because you just took my dog.

 

[AR182]

I heard that Monica turned 28 the other day.How time flies since it seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House.

 

[auspice]

A man and his wife were playing golf together at the local course. Shortly after beginning, the wife was stung by a bee and passed out. The husband jumped in the golf cart and hurried back to the clubhouse to look for help.

Fortunately, he spotted a local physician coming out as he was going in. "Doc, my wife is allergic to bee stings and got stung out on the course. She's passed out and needs help!!" The doctor hurriedly gathered some medical items and the two hurried out.

As they're leaving the clubhouse and heading to the golf cart the doctors asks "Where was she stung?" The husband says "between the first and second holes" The doctor replied "Gee, she must have a really wide stance"

 

[ddubs]

The Doctors Office
>
> > A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor,
> I've got this problem,
> you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".
> >
> > The doctor replies,"Of course I won't laugh,
> that would be thoroughly
> unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a
> doctor I've never laughed
> at a patient".
> >
> > "OK then," says the man, and he drops his
> trousers. The doctor is
> greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has
> ever seen in his life.
> Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing
> on the floor. Ten
> minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet
> and wipe the tears from
> his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient,
> "I don't know what came
> over me, I won't let it happen again. Now > what
> seems to be the problem?"
>
> > The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says,
> "It's swollen."

 

[Hamster]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.

I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work.

You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.

You got nice house."

 

[Hamster]

Anthropological Stages of Man

When the Creator was making the world,
He called man aside and bestowed upon him
20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified!
"Only 20 years!" he complained.
But the Creator didn't budge. That was all
He would grant him.

Then He called the monkey and gave him
20 years. "But I don't need 20 years,"
said the monkey, "10 is plenty."
Man spoke up and said, "Can't I have
the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.

Then the Creator called the lion and
gave him 20 years. The lion said he
desired only 10 years. Again, man asked,
"Can't I have the other 10 years?"
"Of course," roared the lion.

Then came the donkey. He, too, was
given 20 years and like the others said 10
years was all he needed. Man asked again
for the spare 10 years and again received them.

This explains why man has 20 years of
normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying
around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10
years of making an ass of himself.