Laugh away, boys
LAWYER JOKES:
The problems with lawyer jokes is that
1. lawyers don't think they're funny and,
2. the rest of us don't think they're jokes!
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What is the difference between a lawywer and a sperm cell?
A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human being.
Q: Why are lawyers like enemas?
A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick drops off after you're dead.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Good morning, your honor."
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung?
A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.
Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey had first pick.
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
R: Good!
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes!
A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.
Q: Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're real nice people.
Q: What educational programs should the United States support to ameliorate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish.
LAWYER JOKES:
The problems with lawyer jokes is that
1. lawyers don't think they're funny and,
2. the rest of us don't think they're jokes!
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What is the difference between a lawywer and a sperm cell?
A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human being.
Q: Why are lawyers like enemas?
A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick drops off after you're dead.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Good morning, your honor."
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung?
A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.
Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey had first pick.
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
R: Good!
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes!
A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.
Q: Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're real nice people.
Q: What educational programs should the United States support to ameliorate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish.
