How would sports commissioners handle the referee betting scandal?
David Stern, NBA: "Donaghy? He's dead to me. I will crush him like the bug that he is. I want his head on a pike. By tomorrow. He sleeps with the fishes, capice?"
Bud Selig, MLB: "Who? What? Huh? I have no idea what you are talking about. Everything is fine. Nothing to look at here. I said all is well. ALL IS WELL! And who? Barry Bonds? No-a speak-a da engrish."
Gary Bettman, NHL: "I'd promote Donaghy to 'Head of officials.' Give him a raise, too. Know anyone with a spare TV contract laying around? On a channel that's not in the 300's on your cable?"
Roger Goodell, NFL: "Is Donaghy well known? A famous VIP? We'll let the feds do their job, as it's not my position to be judge, jury, and executioner. You know, in America, you're innocent till proven guilty. He's not? Just a ref? Oh. Well, that's entirely different then. Throw the damn book at him. Fired immediately. Banned for life. No appeal. Case closed."
Bill France, Jr, NASCAR: "Donaghy can still referee, and I'll put him on probation for 6 games. But I'll suspend his crew chief for 10 games, not allowing him near the arena, and fine the entire officiating crew $10,000."
David Baker, Arena Football: "Whatever ESPN tells me to do."
Tim Finchem, PGA: "Whatever Tiger tells me to do."
Ty Votaw, LPGA: "You actually care what I think? Oh, you'd rather talk to Natalie Gulbis instead..."
Michael Slive, SEC: "A ref placed bets? Big f'n deal. Hell, that's nothin! You should see the stuff going on behind the scenes at Alabama and Arkansas right now. They got boosters buying off players, coaches, refs, school presidents, left an' right! If I told ya what Bear did back in the day, now that'd be a God damn scandal!"
Jim Delaney, Big 10: "Whatever the SEC would do, we'd do it bigger, better and faster. They'd only fire him? We'd kill him! Because we're the Big 10, and they aren't. We have our own cable network, you know. The SEC doesn't. I told you we were better."
Myles Brand, NCAA: "I'll have an answer for you in 4-6 years."
Bernie Ecclestone, Formula 1: "I'm richer than God. I hate the USA. I could give a shit, you damn imperialist empire builders."
