How about this one:
"Jack's not here today, everyone makes more money than you, we only fuck 10's+, Kickserv will seem like a nice guy at first but he really just hates Americans, Joker doesn't like you, IE is really the only one who has any idea what the hell is going on most of the time, YYZ is retired so get off his lawn, don't go to the politics forum (seriously, it's a shithole), Raymond is incomprehendable but the best capper on the site, I think sportsaholic shaves his balls and nobody know what the fuck KOD is talking about most of the time. Basically it'd be best if you just move along."