Chapter 74 - Sacrificial Lambs and Lords
By his seventh day stuck in Vegas, Jesus was desperate to go home. He felt God might still be angry with him for leaving without permission, and thought a sacrifice might improve his chances of returning to Heaven. To get back in his father?s grace, he planned to build an altar and offer up a lamb. It was a simple plan, or so he thought, he just needed a lamb, some stones, kindling and a knife. And a little help from his new Apostles.
?Fred, where can I get a lamb??
?A lamb??
?Yes, you know - lamb, sheep??
?You mean, like, lamb chops??
?No, I mean the whole sheep, not butchered, alive.?
Fred didn?t know what to say. He and the other Apostles exchanged worried looks then glanced away in different directions. Jesus waited for an answer. After a moment, he said, ?Fred??
Fred wouldn?t even look at him, he stayed silent, staring at his feet.
Simon finally broke the silence. ?How long?s it been??
Sarge walked up to Jesus, put his left hand on the Lord?s right shoulder, and said, ?Son, I was an Iowa farm boy, I spent some time shepherding too. I know what it?s like - you?re out there all by yourself, no one around for miles, you get a little lonely, ya figure, hey, what the heck, no one will know, right??
The other Apostles stared at Sarge with incredulity and disgust combined. Jesus didn?t following their meaning.
The Apostle Bob spoke up, ?Dude, this isn?t the first century, or whenever it was you came from, it?s 2007 and you?re in Vegas. Prostitution is legal outside the city limits, and - ?
?THAT?S NOT WHAT I MEANT!? Jesus yelled. ?OK, that?s it, you guys are all going to hell, just for even thinking that. I want a lamb so I can sacrifice it to our Father and ask forgiveness for my sins.?
The Apostles were decidedly relieved, except for Simon, who remained skeptical.
?Sacrifice how?? asked Memphis.
?I will burn the sheep at an altar I will build in God?s honor.?
Bob interrupted. ?You want to set a live sheep on fire??
?No, of course not. I?m going to cut it?s throat first.?
?Umm, Jesus, you?re scaring your Apostle,? Fred said.
?If you guys read the Bible you?d know that sacrificing sheep is a normal way of offering praise to God.?
?OK,? Memphis said. ?I?ll read it, but these are different times. There are laws against cruelty to animals. Where would you build an altar and make a fire without being seen? We?d get in trouble. Besides, I don?t know where to get a lamb.?
?How about a calf??
?Sorry.?
?Goat??
??Fraid not.?
?You have no markets where you can buy farm animals??
?Fancy livestock, do ya?? Simon asked.
Jesus pointed his finger at him. ?Fancy the heat, do ya??
Fred tried to help. ?We have pet shops, but I don?t think they carry sheep or goats. How about a hamster??
?I hardly think that would please God.?
?They?re small enough that we could probably do one of them and get away with it,? Sarge suggested.
?Can?t we just sacrifice lamb chops, this way we can eat them when we?re done?? Memphis asked.
?Speaking of hamsters, I?m glad you came, Jesus, now I know Heaven isn?t just a fairytale. I was scared of reincarnation,? Little Elvis said.
?Why, what?s so scary about that?? Simon asked him.
?What if you came back as an animal??
?So, what if??
?What if you came back as a gerbil??
?What if?? said Simon. ?There?s got to be a lot of worse animals you could come back as, like a pig for instance. Or one of Jesus? sheep. A gerbil might not be so bad.?
?The pet gerbil of a gay guy??
?OK, you got me there.?
Jesus followed their conversation, but didn?t get it, so Simon explained.
Memphis spoke up. ?OK, there?s cruelty to animals, and then there?s a whole other plane. I bet that makes a sheep feel like getting its throat slit is a trip to Disneyland by comparison.?
?Sick fuks. I think they ought to grease them and stick ?em up an elephants ass, see how they like it,? said Sarge
Jesus was shocked, not over this latest revelation of the degradation of man, but at how a group of grown men can steer a conversation so far off its normal path and end up on such a distant and psychotic back road . . .
By his seventh day stuck in Vegas, Jesus was desperate to go home. He felt God might still be angry with him for leaving without permission, and thought a sacrifice might improve his chances of returning to Heaven. To get back in his father?s grace, he planned to build an altar and offer up a lamb. It was a simple plan, or so he thought, he just needed a lamb, some stones, kindling and a knife. And a little help from his new Apostles.
?Fred, where can I get a lamb??
?A lamb??
?Yes, you know - lamb, sheep??
?You mean, like, lamb chops??
?No, I mean the whole sheep, not butchered, alive.?
Fred didn?t know what to say. He and the other Apostles exchanged worried looks then glanced away in different directions. Jesus waited for an answer. After a moment, he said, ?Fred??
Fred wouldn?t even look at him, he stayed silent, staring at his feet.
Simon finally broke the silence. ?How long?s it been??
Sarge walked up to Jesus, put his left hand on the Lord?s right shoulder, and said, ?Son, I was an Iowa farm boy, I spent some time shepherding too. I know what it?s like - you?re out there all by yourself, no one around for miles, you get a little lonely, ya figure, hey, what the heck, no one will know, right??
The other Apostles stared at Sarge with incredulity and disgust combined. Jesus didn?t following their meaning.
The Apostle Bob spoke up, ?Dude, this isn?t the first century, or whenever it was you came from, it?s 2007 and you?re in Vegas. Prostitution is legal outside the city limits, and - ?
?THAT?S NOT WHAT I MEANT!? Jesus yelled. ?OK, that?s it, you guys are all going to hell, just for even thinking that. I want a lamb so I can sacrifice it to our Father and ask forgiveness for my sins.?
The Apostles were decidedly relieved, except for Simon, who remained skeptical.
?Sacrifice how?? asked Memphis.
?I will burn the sheep at an altar I will build in God?s honor.?
Bob interrupted. ?You want to set a live sheep on fire??
?No, of course not. I?m going to cut it?s throat first.?
?Umm, Jesus, you?re scaring your Apostle,? Fred said.
?If you guys read the Bible you?d know that sacrificing sheep is a normal way of offering praise to God.?
?OK,? Memphis said. ?I?ll read it, but these are different times. There are laws against cruelty to animals. Where would you build an altar and make a fire without being seen? We?d get in trouble. Besides, I don?t know where to get a lamb.?
?How about a calf??
?Sorry.?
?Goat??
??Fraid not.?
?You have no markets where you can buy farm animals??
?Fancy livestock, do ya?? Simon asked.
Jesus pointed his finger at him. ?Fancy the heat, do ya??
Fred tried to help. ?We have pet shops, but I don?t think they carry sheep or goats. How about a hamster??
?I hardly think that would please God.?
?They?re small enough that we could probably do one of them and get away with it,? Sarge suggested.
?Can?t we just sacrifice lamb chops, this way we can eat them when we?re done?? Memphis asked.
?Speaking of hamsters, I?m glad you came, Jesus, now I know Heaven isn?t just a fairytale. I was scared of reincarnation,? Little Elvis said.
?Why, what?s so scary about that?? Simon asked him.
?What if you came back as an animal??
?So, what if??
?What if you came back as a gerbil??
?What if?? said Simon. ?There?s got to be a lot of worse animals you could come back as, like a pig for instance. Or one of Jesus? sheep. A gerbil might not be so bad.?
?The pet gerbil of a gay guy??
?OK, you got me there.?
Jesus followed their conversation, but didn?t get it, so Simon explained.
Memphis spoke up. ?OK, there?s cruelty to animals, and then there?s a whole other plane. I bet that makes a sheep feel like getting its throat slit is a trip to Disneyland by comparison.?
?Sick fuks. I think they ought to grease them and stick ?em up an elephants ass, see how they like it,? said Sarge
Jesus was shocked, not over this latest revelation of the degradation of man, but at how a group of grown men can steer a conversation so far off its normal path and end up on such a distant and psychotic back road . . .
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