Subject: To all the beer drinkers out there (NPC)
Date: 24 Jul 1998 15:21:02 GMT
From:
jsemmler@aol.com (Jsemmler)
Organization: AOL
http://www.aol.com
Newsgroups: rec.music.phish
I got this from a friend this morning and cracked up for about ten minutes
jjs
> An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company
> and their response:
>
> Miller Brewing Company
> Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
>
> Dear Sir or Madam,
> I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many
> years actually, ever since that other company
> donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
> Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
>
> Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some
> time in mid-1990, while in Honduras, I switched
> to MGD smuggled up from Panama.
>
> Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful
> drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have
> come to expect certain things from Genuine
> Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can
> of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great,
> smooth brew.
>
> But wait! Sometime around the first of the year,
> my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak.
> That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
>
> Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant
> to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on
> the new can design. Gradually, I grew to
> appreciate the new label. That was until about
> May of this year.
>
> That was when I discovered (empirically) that I
> really didn't like the new design. Further
> investigation of the cause of my distress resulted
> in the following observations:
>
> 1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
> 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
> 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside,
> and thus, the container may be exposed to
> sunlight.
> 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant
> warming of the surface of the can.
> 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred
> through the aluminum, by conduction, to the
> contents of the can (the beer).
> 6. Warm beer sucks.
>
> This is a process that can be observed in just
> about any beer. However, this process is
> significantly accelerated in MGD because you
> painted the damn can... black!!! Who was the
> rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for
> the can and implemented the change right before
> summer?
>
> Granted, this process may not be real evident up
> there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma
> where the summers are both sunny and hot, this
> effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what
> the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put
> up with.
>
> Knowing that you would probably not address
> this issue unless you had firm evidence of a
> problem, I and several other subjects conducted
> extensive experimentation. The results of these
> experiments are listed below.
>
> The experiments were conducted over two days
> on the deck next to my pool. The study
> included seven different types of beer (leftovers
> from a party the previous weekend) that were
> initially chilled to 38 degrees (and then left
> exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time).
> These beers were sampled by the test subjects at
> different intervals. The subjects, all normally
> MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling
> interval their impressions of the different beers.
> The length of time between the initial exposure
> to sunlight and the point where the subject
> determined the sample undrinkable (the
> Suck-point) was determined. The average
> ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees
> F.
>
> Beer Type Average Suck-point(minutes) >
> >
> --------------------------------
> Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
> Bud (white can) 5.5
> Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
> Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
> Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
> Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
> Coors (gold can) 0.1
>
> It was evident that the color of the can directly
> correlates to the average suckpoint,
except for
> Coors which was pretty much determined to
> suck at any point.
>
> It is to be hoped that you will consider
> re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers
> that are not smart enough to keep their beer in
> the shade will thank you.
>
> Sincerely,
> Bradley Lee
> Beer-drinker
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> The Miller response appears below.
> They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter.
> Enjoy...
>
> Dear Bradley Lee,
> Thank you for your letter and your concern about
> the MGD can color as it relates to premature
> warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller
> Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that
> end, we have taken your letter and subsequent
> experiment under serious consideration.
>
> Outlined below are our findings and solution to
> your problem. May we add that we have had
> similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers,
> mostly from the Southern United States.
>
> First, let us congratulate you on your findings.
> Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding
> Coors. It certainly does suck at about any
> temperature.
>
> Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the
> MGD can to create better brand identity and
> brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some
> kind of research and determined we needed to
> redesign the can. You will be pleased to know,
> we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking
> havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer.
> The design staffer working in cahoots with the
> marketing idiot was also down-sized. However,
> once we realized this mistake, to undo it would
> have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took
> some other actions.
>
> From our market research, we found a difference
> between Northern beer drinkers and Southern
> beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to
> drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We
> are still researching why that is.
>
> Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our
> intentions to have someone take more than 2.5
> minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride
> ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick
> drinking beers and leave the making of sissy,
> slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
> However, it is good to know that you feel our
> Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes.
> However, may we suggest in the future you try
> consuming at least two in that time frame.
>
> From your letter, we had our design staff work
> 'round the clock to come up with a solution that
> would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller
> products. We hope you have recently noticed
> our solution to your problem. We found that the
> hole in the top of the can was not big enough for
> quick consumption. So, we have now introduced
> the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will
> solve all your problems.
>
> Might I also suggest that if you want to get the
> beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a
> hole on the side near the bottom, hold your
> finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth
> and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a
> common way to drink beer at parties and
> impress your friends. This technique is known
> as "shot-gunning." You should like the name.
>
> Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to
> our attention that there might be other beer
> drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink
> our beers.
>
> Let me assure you that I am having our
> advertising department work on a campaign to
> solve this problem, too.
>
> Sincerely,
> Tom B. Miller
> Public Relations
> Miller Brewing Co.
I'm sitting on the deck, just grabbed a frosty Labatts Blue from the freezer, 85 degrees out humid as hell, first sip pure heaven. I sit back in my chair watching the cars past by, then it happens!!!!!! I look twards the bottom of the bottle, 340ml- 11.5 oz. 11.5 oz's, WHAT THE F*&*
