So I'm looking to add some staff to our office. I've gotten quite the amazing assortment of resumes. It's amazing people can figure out how to get out of bed in the morning after reading some of these beauties. I thought I would share some of the highlights for a laugh.
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Applicant #1: If you are too stupid to email your resume as an attachment, and instead you cut and paste it into the email, you're a moron and are not getting hired.
Applicant #2: Don't cc: your email and show me who else you are applying to for a jobs. We're a dental office, I don't necessarily need (or want) to see that you just applied to krispy Kreme with the same punch of the enter key.
Applicant #3: Thank you for including a picture of yourself, you're a hot little number. It was very helpful in allowing me to facebook stalk you, where I found out your nickname is snookie and you have an even hotter picture with big knockers. Unfortunately, the snookie thing did you in, and the fact that my wife would beat my ass if I hired you.
Applicant #4: Unlike applicant #3, my facebook stalking did not enhance your credentials. Not that I have anything about fat people, but I think you may be physically too large to fit in the chair and space where you need to work. And btw, short sleeved shirts with your massive saddle-bag arm fat hanging out is not attractive. I don't need to have a baby jessica moment in my office where you get log-jammed in between your desk and the half wall behind you.
Applicants #5, #6 and #7: First names are keiana, Nikia, Aiesha. Sorry.
Applicant #8: Under Computer Skills: 10-Key calculator. Perhaps you also should have also included walking and chewing gum. Not to be confused with the advanced training necessary to operate the much-feared 13-key calculator. But no, seriously, I'm glad you have the dexterity to operate a calculator. You can at least make phone calls and pick your nose in your downtime.
Applicant #9: Thank you for including your pastor in your references. Perhaps I can contact him to inquire if he will pray that someone remotely qualified applies for the position.
Applicant #10: Hooters Hostess/Bartender 2004 to 2009. It's nice to see a gal show some loyalty to her workplace. Upon facebook stalking, I ran into 2 (major) problems. One: your main picture has 2 girls, one of which hit just about every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. How the fuck am I supposed to know which one is you? Second, you blocked my access to your other pictures. What the fuck is up with that? I guess that means you will wear professional attire and avoid low cut tops with your tots hanging out in my face all day too. Unacceptable. Put aside, maybe I'll interview for giggles.
Applicant #11: Objectives: My objectives are to further my skills with people and learning to cope with a hectic environment. Wait, are you implying my office is going to be a hectic environment? And you are saying you currently don't know how to cope with a hectic environment, thus the need to learn. So when things get a little nuts I'm going to find you curled up under your desk in the fetal position. Sweet!
_______________________________________
Applicant #1: If you are too stupid to email your resume as an attachment, and instead you cut and paste it into the email, you're a moron and are not getting hired.
Applicant #2: Don't cc: your email and show me who else you are applying to for a jobs. We're a dental office, I don't necessarily need (or want) to see that you just applied to krispy Kreme with the same punch of the enter key.
Applicant #3: Thank you for including a picture of yourself, you're a hot little number. It was very helpful in allowing me to facebook stalk you, where I found out your nickname is snookie and you have an even hotter picture with big knockers. Unfortunately, the snookie thing did you in, and the fact that my wife would beat my ass if I hired you.
Applicant #4: Unlike applicant #3, my facebook stalking did not enhance your credentials. Not that I have anything about fat people, but I think you may be physically too large to fit in the chair and space where you need to work. And btw, short sleeved shirts with your massive saddle-bag arm fat hanging out is not attractive. I don't need to have a baby jessica moment in my office where you get log-jammed in between your desk and the half wall behind you.
Applicants #5, #6 and #7: First names are keiana, Nikia, Aiesha. Sorry.
Applicant #8: Under Computer Skills: 10-Key calculator. Perhaps you also should have also included walking and chewing gum. Not to be confused with the advanced training necessary to operate the much-feared 13-key calculator. But no, seriously, I'm glad you have the dexterity to operate a calculator. You can at least make phone calls and pick your nose in your downtime.
Applicant #9: Thank you for including your pastor in your references. Perhaps I can contact him to inquire if he will pray that someone remotely qualified applies for the position.
Applicant #10: Hooters Hostess/Bartender 2004 to 2009. It's nice to see a gal show some loyalty to her workplace. Upon facebook stalking, I ran into 2 (major) problems. One: your main picture has 2 girls, one of which hit just about every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. How the fuck am I supposed to know which one is you? Second, you blocked my access to your other pictures. What the fuck is up with that? I guess that means you will wear professional attire and avoid low cut tops with your tots hanging out in my face all day too. Unacceptable. Put aside, maybe I'll interview for giggles.
Applicant #11: Objectives: My objectives are to further my skills with people and learning to cope with a hectic environment. Wait, are you implying my office is going to be a hectic environment? And you are saying you currently don't know how to cope with a hectic environment, thus the need to learn. So when things get a little nuts I'm going to find you curled up under your desk in the fetal position. Sweet!
opcorn2
