Official How-To Guide for Safely Celebrating Thanksgiving in 2020
GENESIUS TIMES: Richie Richards
Millions of Americans find themselves unsure how to celebrate Thanksgiving this year due to the China Virus. Using recommendations and legal regulations mandated by elected and public health officials, Genesius Times created a list of ways to enjoy the holiday safely and in good health. These techniques have proven to be effective in combating the virus ever since the initial ?two weeks to slow the spread? was declared eight months ago.
By following our guide, readers can comfortably socialize with their friends and family instead of living in isolation from their loved ones because of a virus with a 99.997% survival rate.
For a joyous Thanksgiving 2020, we recommend the following:
1. Celebrate at Walmart
Small family-owned businesses and restaurants are hot spots for the China Virus. Luckily, most of our nation?s governors forced these businesses to permanently close but let giant retail corporations remain open. These large buildings have anti-virus powers that small businesses and houses do not have, so eat inside a Home Depot!
*HOT TIP: Celebrate at Bed, Bath & Beyond and try out their cutlery and holiday-themed dish sets!
2. Be an elected official
The China Virus only kills regular people. Elected officials are immune and don?t need to follow regulations. This Thanksgiving, hold public office and ignore the mandates you create for your entire state. Not a public official? No problem! Simply invite one over for dinner, like Gavin Newsom, just be prepared to serve $400 plates to your royal guests. Cardboard cutouts of your favorite hypocritical governor work too!
*HOT TIP: Like boating? Invite Gretchen Whitmer over for your Thanksgiving feast!
3. Invite zero Republicans
When Republicans get together, they create super-spreader events and don?t wear masks because they want to kill Grandma. At Democrat-only gatherings, the virus disappears. By not inviting Republicans, your dinner party will be risk-free. Whether your family is protesting, burning down local businesses or eating turkey, you?ll be safe as long as no Republicans are present.
*HOT TIP: You should disown your Republican family anyways. They?re intolerant bigots and you shouldn?t listen to their stupid opinions.
4. Instead of Grace, chant ?Black lives matter?
Before eating dinner, force all guests to hold their fists in the air and chant ?Black lives matter? over and over. The China Virus does not transmit when committing violence protesting for marxism racial justice. The louder and more frequent you yell the phrase, the farther the virus runs away.
*HOT TIP: Throw a molotov cocktail through your white neighbor?s window to prove to the virus how serious you are about opposing racism.
5. Be at home by 9:59 PM
After an evening full of chanting ?Black lives matter? with your Democrat friends in Walmart, be sure to depart and arrive home by 9:59 PM. At 10:00 PM, the virus gets super angry and attacks anyone outside or trying to earn a living. The China Virus has already killed 58,000,000,000,000 people after dark. Don?t be a statistic (NOTE: Please don?t look up statistics, only CNN is authorized to do so).
*HOT TIP: When at home, keep your mask on and turn your neighbors into the police if they?re violating any of our tips. Think of all the likes you?ll get on social media!
Following these easy tips will provide you with a safe and new-normal holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving!
GENESIUS TIMES: Richie Richards
Millions of Americans find themselves unsure how to celebrate Thanksgiving this year due to the China Virus. Using recommendations and legal regulations mandated by elected and public health officials, Genesius Times created a list of ways to enjoy the holiday safely and in good health. These techniques have proven to be effective in combating the virus ever since the initial ?two weeks to slow the spread? was declared eight months ago.
By following our guide, readers can comfortably socialize with their friends and family instead of living in isolation from their loved ones because of a virus with a 99.997% survival rate.
For a joyous Thanksgiving 2020, we recommend the following:
1. Celebrate at Walmart
Small family-owned businesses and restaurants are hot spots for the China Virus. Luckily, most of our nation?s governors forced these businesses to permanently close but let giant retail corporations remain open. These large buildings have anti-virus powers that small businesses and houses do not have, so eat inside a Home Depot!
*HOT TIP: Celebrate at Bed, Bath & Beyond and try out their cutlery and holiday-themed dish sets!
2. Be an elected official
The China Virus only kills regular people. Elected officials are immune and don?t need to follow regulations. This Thanksgiving, hold public office and ignore the mandates you create for your entire state. Not a public official? No problem! Simply invite one over for dinner, like Gavin Newsom, just be prepared to serve $400 plates to your royal guests. Cardboard cutouts of your favorite hypocritical governor work too!
*HOT TIP: Like boating? Invite Gretchen Whitmer over for your Thanksgiving feast!
3. Invite zero Republicans
When Republicans get together, they create super-spreader events and don?t wear masks because they want to kill Grandma. At Democrat-only gatherings, the virus disappears. By not inviting Republicans, your dinner party will be risk-free. Whether your family is protesting, burning down local businesses or eating turkey, you?ll be safe as long as no Republicans are present.
*HOT TIP: You should disown your Republican family anyways. They?re intolerant bigots and you shouldn?t listen to their stupid opinions.
4. Instead of Grace, chant ?Black lives matter?
Before eating dinner, force all guests to hold their fists in the air and chant ?Black lives matter? over and over. The China Virus does not transmit when committing violence protesting for marxism racial justice. The louder and more frequent you yell the phrase, the farther the virus runs away.
*HOT TIP: Throw a molotov cocktail through your white neighbor?s window to prove to the virus how serious you are about opposing racism.
5. Be at home by 9:59 PM
After an evening full of chanting ?Black lives matter? with your Democrat friends in Walmart, be sure to depart and arrive home by 9:59 PM. At 10:00 PM, the virus gets super angry and attacks anyone outside or trying to earn a living. The China Virus has already killed 58,000,000,000,000 people after dark. Don?t be a statistic (NOTE: Please don?t look up statistics, only CNN is authorized to do so).
*HOT TIP: When at home, keep your mask on and turn your neighbors into the police if they?re violating any of our tips. Think of all the likes you?ll get on social media!
Following these easy tips will provide you with a safe and new-normal holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving!
