Stupid joke thread!

[yyz]

A dumb blonde sits at a lunch counter reading the newspaper.

She is shocked by all the grief and hostility in the world.

She was brought to tears by reading the headline:

"12 Brazilian tourists killed in a landslide".

She turned to the man next to her to share her shock of this headline.

then asks..

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"How many is a Brazilian anyway?"

 

[Keyser Soze]

After a long night of drinking, a man is pulled over by a female police officer. After failing the sobriety test she informs him that he is under arrest and that anything he says can, and will be held against him.

The man yells, "BOOBS!"

 

[saint]

since we're on the blond jokes:

What's this:

brown blond brown blond brown blond brown blond
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a blond doing cartwheels



terrible, i know.

 

[IntenseOperator]

I'm saving this one for my kids.......if I ever have any.

You gotta take care of those you want to take from
behind. Or else it's nothing but porn and roughing up the suspect.

:mj07:

 

[wareagle]

what do michael jackson and caviar have in common?











they both come on little white crackers :mj07: :scared





what does michael jackson like most about 28yr olds?








there are 20 of them :scared :mj07:

 

[wareagle]

How does Snoop Dogg keep his clothes so white?













BLLLLLEEEEEEEYYYYYYYOOOOOCH :clap:

 

[IntenseOperator]

Classic!

From some cheezehead a while back....

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His girlfriend is lying quietly in bed, reading. The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

The girlfriend looks up, bored, and replies, "I think you'll find, that's a sheep." The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

:142smilie

 

[GM]

One of my father's all-time favorite stupid jokes (not to mention, one of the stupidest jokes I have ever heard)....

"You know when you see birds fly by in a V, and one side of the V is longer than the other. Do you know why that is?"

(The person you are telling says "No")














..."Because there are more birds on that side".

 

[Blitz]

CATHOLIC HORSES
Leroy was from Alabama, and was a good ol' Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies, and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Leroy was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Leroy made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Leroy collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed,blessed a horse, Leroy bet on it, and it won! Leroy was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
Leroy began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Leroy bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants....... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

 

[Mjolnir]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?








because he was dead.
my all time fave.

 

[BahamaMama]

The Perfect Evening

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished - something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

 

[MadJack]

why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

so they can hide in a cherry tree

 

[MadJack]

ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

it works, don't it?

 

[marine]

Well, since IO stole my sheep joke...

A guy walks in to a bar.. looking a little dejected he orders 5 shots of tequila. The bartender pours them in a line for the gentleman... who promptly scoops them up one by one and slams them down his gullet. Wiping the sleeve of his coat on the mouth and letting out a burp, the bartendar asks,"That's a lot of tequila...you drinking for a reason tonite?"

The man replies: "Yea, I had my first blow job tonite!"
The bartender whoops for joy and says "Hey thats great news! Lemme buy you another round! On the house!"
The man looks, slumps, and sighs, "No thanks, if those first 5 shots don't get the taste outta my mouth nothing will."

 

[dunclock]

Mr Johnson has three daughters and he is sitting home on Saturday night when there is a knock on the door.

"Hello Mr Johnson, my name is Freddie and I am here to pick up Betty and we're going to eat spaghetti"

Mr Johnson says, "Ok Freddie, I will see if Betty is ready and you go eat some spaghetti"

Mr Johnson sits back down and there is another knock at the door

"Hello Mr Johnson, my name is Joe and I am here to pick up Flo and go to the show"

Mr Johnson says, " Ok Joe, I will get Flo so you can go to the show"

Mr Johnson sits back down and there is one more kncok at the door

"Hello Mr Johnson, my name is Chuck.......

 

[Snafu]

night cam video : iraq soldiers in "action"

http://steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?id=16495&Type=1&Page=33&Showall=True

this video containes adult material and viewing not adviced for animal lovers, eh, people who like animals like normal way....

 

[lawtchan]

A guy goes to get his wife an anniversary present.

Lady at Victoria Secret says they have lingerie that ranges from $50 to $500 and the higher priced it is the more "sheerer" it is.

Guy figures what the hell and gets the $500 outfit.

Guy gets home and tells his wife to go upstairs, try it on, and come down stairs to surprise him.

Wife goes upstairs, opens the box, sees the price tag and figures that's too much money to spend.

Figures she'll return it and get them both something instead. Decides to go downstairs "naked" to surprise him.

Walks downstairs and strikes a pose and askes her husband "What do you think?!!?"

Husband looks her up and down and says

"Hell, for $500 dollars, you think they could have 'ironed' it!!!"

 

[BADTODABONE]

Catholic Code Words

For non-catholics, so that they understand. And
For Catholics, so they finally understand.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group o f people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish
to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges
with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by
an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCE SSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting
of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for
seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.

 

[Sirus]

Smoking In The Rain

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted

 

[toastonastick]

how do you turn a fox into an elephant

you marry her!