Tuscaloosan's and a stolen blazer
Tuscaloosan's and a stolen blazer
I attended a game in t-town once, although I had a hard time getting back to the 'ham do to the fact that my car was stolen at two thirty in the afternoon on sunday. I asked, what seemed to be, some respectable alabama fans if I could borrow a cell phone since mine was dead. A young man in the group sporting a Dale Jr. shirt, a camo Bama hat, and holding a box of detergent with a roll of toilet paper on it, approached me. He smelled of Evan Williams bourbon and a lack of soap and indoor plumbing. He stopped and I explained my precarious situation. He stated that, he "reckoned"(his word not mine) he had something that would suffice. This was the jist of the statement from what I could gather through several grunts, drunken body language, and the come hither motioning of the detergent box stuck to his fat hand. I followed. In his pickup truck he pointed me towards two Hormel Chili cans with with aproximately 25 feet of fishing line connecting them at their base. I tried to explain the revolution of the portable Cellular telephone, he was dumbfounded. I may as well have been trying to explain the process of nuclear fission. I also told him I didn't have any aquaintences within a twenty-five foot perrameter. We were both dismayed. I thanked him for his efforts, and he was very gracious. He offered me a "snort", but I refused. I left feeling like I had just met the riff raff from the movie Deliverance
I strolled the dirt filled streets looking for answers. As I was taking in all the rebel flags and pickup trucks I came across a gentleman looking as if he came straight out of Saturday night Fever, gold chain, disco pants and all. He looked somewhat out of place and I remembered the old adage"Change is good". I walked in his direction. He had a plethra of young women around who ALL looked as if they had seen their better days. I explained my need to use a telephone to the young entrepeneur. He stated that he was a businessman and was happy to "help a playa out". One of the young ladies standing to his right whispered something in his ear and at about this point he spun her like a top. After things had settled, we continued our negotiations. He remarked that I should follow him to use his phone, as I had asked. So, at four O'clock in the afternoon in Tuscaloosa Alabama I was following"big daddy"(as the ladies reffered to him) to his "office".The girls did't seem to mind, although I could tell they were having a hard time walking with the 6 inch stilletos. He said I could use his Private phone, and I didn't ask him if hormel chili cans qualified. As we turned onto a rather dingy side street off of Joe Namath way I could see MY car at the end of the street along with several others. I was shocked. Typically, I would have said something right away, but i was uncomfortable in my surroundings. As we got closer to my car I realized it was now in Big Daddy's possession, maybe not legally, but tangibly. I was also aware that I had seen more guns in this town in two days than at the annual NRA convention. Big Daddys office was a sadistic looking little door five feet from my car leading into a large, dirty brick building.
Then, it struck me.
I began "Excuse Me, Big Daddy?", he turned. "These be some pimp rides" I proclaimed. When in Rome.
He was very pleased with my compliment. I told him that after i used his phone I wondered if i could possibly purchase one of his automobiles. His smiled and exposed numerous gold teeth in his mouth. On his upper teeth the dental technician had spelled out PLAYA in diamonds. I was very imppressed. After making my bogus phone call I returned outside. I expressed strong interest in MY 2000 model blazer.
After some wrangling I offered him $3000 for it. He thought that was awfully low, and I told him I didn't see any used car lot sign around and he caught my drift. He counterd at 5, and we settled on four. I wrote him a check and he didn't seem to mind. He must have been somewhat slow because I had the check post dated, with the intention of canceling it the next business day. I was pleased to find my spare key in the ignition. Big Daddy, or one of his cohorts, must know where to look for spares, because they found my hide-a-key under the bumper. I gave BIg Daddy and the girls a loud ROLL TIDE as I was pullimg out, and they reciprocated. I was thankful for the opprtunity to meet such fine Tuscaloosa natives.
As I was pulling onto Joe Namath way with my newly aquired old Blazr heading back to Bham I thanked my lucky stars to be leaving, and vowing to never return
