Bullfrog and Blowjobs

[Woodson]

Bullfrogs &Blow Jobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog that's not too expensive. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!?"
the woman replied.

"I haven't seen any proof " he said, "but we've sold 30 of them this month alone!"

The woman thought to herself - at the least - it would be a great gag gift
- and even better, if it was true - there'd be no mor e blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog and took it home to hubby. She explained froggy's alledged ability to her husband. He was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman laugh too, then went to bed. In the back of her mind, though, she wondered if she would ever have to perform this less-than-riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

Surprised at the sight, she screeched "What are you two doing at this hour?" The husband calmly replied with an odd smile - "If I can teach this frog to cook - your ass is gone!"

 

[gardenweasel]

a little thanksgiving humor..

a guy brings a well mannered parrot home from the pet shop....
immediately the bird gets rude & profane....it continues day after day & finally the guy has enough, grabs the parrot & tosses him into the freezer...

the bird squawks for about a minute & then stops...

the guy gets concerned opens the freezer & the bird hops out on his arm and says, "sir,i fear that my language & overall deportment have been poor.... i can assure you that going forward , you will get better from me"...

the guy is impressed...the parrot then says,"sir, if i might ask, what exactly did the turkey do?".....

 

[UGA12]

:nooo:

a little thanksgiving humor..

a guy brings a well mannered parrot home from the pet shop....
immediately the bird gets rude & profane....it continues day after day & finally the guy has enough, grabs the parrot & tosses him into the freezer...

the bird squawks for about a minute & then stops...

the guy gets concerned opens the freezer & the bird hops out on his arm and says, "sir,i fear that my language & overall deportment have been poor.... i can assure you that going forward , you will get better from me"...

the guy is impressed...the parrot then says,"sir, if i might ask, what exactly did the turkey do?".....

 

[Woodson]

a little thanksgiving humor..

a guy brings a well mannered parrot home from the pet shop....
immediately the bird gets rude & profane....it continues day after day & finally the guy has enough, grabs the parrot & tosses him into the freezer...

the bird squawks for about a minute & then stops...

the guy gets concerned opens the freezer & the bird hops out on his arm and says, "sir,i fear that my language & overall deportment have been poor.... i can assure you that going forward , you will get better from me"...

the guy is impressed...the parrot then says,"sir, if i might ask, what exactly did the turkey do?".....

I love it... :mj07:

 

[gardenweasel]

:nooo:

:ban: :shrug:

don`t worry..i`m done breeding..

 

[yyz]

:ban: :shrug:

don`t worry..i`m done breeding..

That's what the Japanese guy said after he put on a Band-Aid.

:rimshot

 

[MadJack]

:nooo:

:mj07:

 

[The Judge]

don`t worry..i`m done breeding..

We can only hope. :142smilie

 

[MadJack]

:ban: :shrug:

don`t worry..i`m done breeding..

stay off that zombie site and you should be okay

 

[gardenweasel]

o.k...weasel`s not quittin` that easy..............

-a tourist in vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music...no one is around, so he starts searching for the source....

he finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "ludwig van beethoven, 1770-1827"..... then he realizes that the music is the "ninth symphony" and it is being played backward!...puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him...

by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. ...this time it is the "seventh symphony", but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.....

curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. ....when they return with the expert, the "fifth symphony" is playing, again backward....

the expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th...

by the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave....they are all listening to the "second symphony" being played backward.....

just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group....someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music....

"oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker... "he's just decomposing!".......



:rimshot

/thank me very much....

 

[UGA12]

o.k...weasel`s not quittin` that easy..............

-a tourist in vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music...no one is around, so he starts searching for the source....

he finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "ludwig van beethoven, 1770-1827"..... then he realizes that the music is the "ninth symphony" and it is being played backward!...puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him...

by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. ...this time it is the "seventh symphony", but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.....

curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. ....when they return with the expert, the "fifth symphony" is playing, again backward....

the expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th...

by the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave....they are all listening to the "second symphony" being played backward.....

just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group....someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music....

"oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker... "he's just decomposing!".......



:rimshot

/thank me very much....

 

[BADTODABONE]

> FIGURED ALL THE TEACHERS OUT THERE CAN RELATE TO THIS AS
> WELL AS MOST FOLKS
> How would you pronounce this child's name:
> "Le-a" ???
> Leah?? NO
> Lee - A?? NOPE
> Lay - a?? NO
> Lei?? Guess Again.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS....↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓ > It's pronounced "Ledasha" Oh yes...you read
> it right.
> This child attends Hudson High School in Hudson FL, just
> outside Port
> Richie. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her
> name wrong. When the
> mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
> said "the dash don't
> be silent."

 

[UGA12]

> FIGURED ALL THE TEACHERS OUT THERE CAN RELATE TO THIS AS
> WELL AS MOST FOLKS
> How would you pronounce this child's name:
> "Le-a" ???
> Leah?? NO
> Lee - A?? NOPE
> Lay - a?? NO
> Lei?? Guess Again.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS....↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓ > It's pronounced "Ledasha" Oh yes...you read
> it right.
> This child attends Hudson High School in Hudson FL, just
> outside Port
> Richie. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her
> name wrong. When the
> mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
> said "the dash don't
> be silent."

 

[MadJack]

come on, guys, UGA12 is looking for a good joke. sheese!

 

[The Judge]

come on, guys, UGA12 is looking for a good joke. sheese!

I don't see that happening with this crowd.


Just sayin. :SIB

 

[Morris]

stay off that zombie site and you should be okay

I don't like zombies. :scared

 

[Axle]

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. " The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .

:142smilie

 

[MadJack]

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. " The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .

:142smilie

:mj07: :142smilie

 

[3 Seconds]

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, my best friend, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

:rimshot

 

[CANADA MAN]

A stressed-out guy has been having a rough time,so his boss comes into his office to see if he can help with the problem. "Jim, your work has been slacking lately and you don't seem like yourself. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"I don't think so sir. I'm just having a rough time at home and I feel very stressed!"
"Well then Jim, you need to do what I do when I feel stressed-out. I like to go home during lunch hour and bang the shit out of my wife for an hour. I find it relieves all my stress and I can come back to work feeling like a new man. You really should try it!"
"Well, it does sound like fun", says Jim, so he heads out for an early "lunch". He comes back in an hour whistling a happy tune with a huge grin on his face and pokes his head in the boss' office.
"Thanks for the advice boss - I think it worked - I feel very relaxed and stress-free. By the way, you have a beautiful house!"