Playing at judge, Goodell drops ball in Ray Rice case
Saturday - July 26, 2014
By Eric Heyl
Saturday, July 26, 2014, 9:00 p.m.
Updated 10 hours ago
LOS ANGELES (Exaggerated Press) ? A reality TV show featuring National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell will be an integral part of Fox's fall programming schedule.
Fox announced that ?Commissioner Court? will debut in September, in the coveted Sunday evening time slot immediately following ?The Simpsons.? The show will place Goodell in a courtroom setting, penalizing football players who violated league rules or broke the law.
?The commissioner will dispense the tough justice that has become his trademark,? Fox said in a prepared statement. ?Players who don't adhere to society's mores had better hope they don't come before him ? unless they're accused of a relatively minor offense, such as aggravated assault.?
Public interest in Goodell's dispensing penalties was piqued last week with his handling of a February domestic violence incident involving Ray Rice, a Baltimore Ravens running back.
An Atlantic City casino's surveillance cameras caught Rice dragging his fianc?e, seemingly unconscious, out of an elevator. He avoided trial on an aggravated assault charge by participating in an intervention program.
Rather than slap Rice on the wrist, which would have sent the disturbing message that the NFL doesn't consider domestic abuse a significant offense, Goodell's sentence was severe.
He suspended Rice for two games, half of the four-game suspensions he dishes out for the more egregious act of players testing positive for smoking marijuana.
Goodell's heavy-handed penalty prompted an immediate outcry from idiots, Neanderthals and misogynists. They accused Goodell of pandering to the NFL's female fans, who studies show comprise about 44 percent of the league's devotees.
Despite assertions that Goodell was making it seem as though striking your significant other is almost as wrong as getting high, the commissioner never considered lessening Rice's suspension.
On the show, Goodell will wear black judicial robes emblazoned with a large Super Bowl XLIX logo. He pledged to be firm but fair.
?I understand there occasionally are legitimate reasons for, say, punching your spouse or fianc?e, particularly if they have upset you,? he said. ?But there is no justification whatsoever for jaywalking, violating a local community noise ordinance, or smoking pot.?
Goodell expressed gratitude to Fox for giving the league another means in which to showcase itself.
?I'm really hopeful that from a ratings standpoint, this show can pack the same kind of punch that Ray Rice can deliver to a defenseless woman,? he said.
After a prolonged silence, a puzzled-looking Goodell said, ?What? Did I say something wrong??