Can't wait to hang out!!!:toast: :toast: :toast: :toast: :toast: :00hour :00hour :00hour :0008 :0008 :0008 :0008
My first novel
- Thread starter ga_ben
- Start date
Can't wait to hang out!!!:toast: :toast: :toast: :toast: :toast: :00hour :00hour :00hour :0008 :0008 :0008 :0008
hey ben,
finished the book. good summer read. flew through it like a patterson novel. something i would have been happy to read sitting on the beach. not having to think too hard, but entertained. will put up a good review for you on amazon to help the cause:
constructive criticism:
- Protagonist wasn't humble enough. I mean he did and said most of the right things, but didn't really feel his inner struggle. he never had to grapple with anything to deep. he came across as almost unbelievable with the perfect looks, expert fighter, perfect looking girlfriend, too smart, etc. sometimes there has to be some flaw, or something that he/she has to overcome or struggle with....here it was just some guy that as the protagonist you wanted to root for, but at the same time nobody wants to root for the perfect person. i hope i said that right, not sure if explaining myself well.
- Action was forced in some spots, and in predictable spots. The one spot that really bothered me the most was the scene of the lady getting off the subway and the mugger or whatever was there. i know you were trying to build her up as capable of defending herself, but it just seem forced. And the real problem is that anyone who has ever lived in Chicago knows that the el (subway) goes straight into the airport at O'hare. Like inside, you never have to go outside, takes you right to the lower level of the airport. You might have to switch to the red line and get off whatever train you are on, but you NEVER would take a train and then get out somewhere and catch a cab there, would make no sense....not sure why that bothered me, but it did.
- Set in the 90's. Just didn't see the need for it. I get it that you didn't want cell phones to be around, but I just didn't see the need to be set in that time unless you really wanted to add some nostalgia to your story like 90's music, clothing styles, outside news going on at the time. I just think it could have been set in the present with a few tweaks and I wouldn't have had a problem with it.
- The ending was just too perfect. Perfect guy gets perfect girl while super hot chick ends up with perfect guys perfect looking brother and they all live perfectly ever after. They all have money to do whatever they want with. Their future seems too perfect, and no suspense. Everyone, just too damn happy. I hate perfect people with perfect lives, but maybe that's just me.
- Cliches, there were tons. I have a feeling you were going for a John Corey type sense of humor (DeMille), and there were some funny parts, but at times there was too much.
FYI, everything above is just my opinion, and not meant in any harsh way at all, just constructive criticism. I mean who the hell am I to give advice. Props again on your debut, and here's to many more which I will be looking forward too. Congrats.
PS......The couple chapter preview of your new book at the end on my kindle really piqued my interest and look forward to buying it when it comes out.
gl
finished the book. good summer read. flew through it like a patterson novel. something i would have been happy to read sitting on the beach. not having to think too hard, but entertained. will put up a good review for you on amazon to help the cause:
constructive criticism:
- Protagonist wasn't humble enough. I mean he did and said most of the right things, but didn't really feel his inner struggle. he never had to grapple with anything to deep. he came across as almost unbelievable with the perfect looks, expert fighter, perfect looking girlfriend, too smart, etc. sometimes there has to be some flaw, or something that he/she has to overcome or struggle with....here it was just some guy that as the protagonist you wanted to root for, but at the same time nobody wants to root for the perfect person. i hope i said that right, not sure if explaining myself well.
- Action was forced in some spots, and in predictable spots. The one spot that really bothered me the most was the scene of the lady getting off the subway and the mugger or whatever was there. i know you were trying to build her up as capable of defending herself, but it just seem forced. And the real problem is that anyone who has ever lived in Chicago knows that the el (subway) goes straight into the airport at O'hare. Like inside, you never have to go outside, takes you right to the lower level of the airport. You might have to switch to the red line and get off whatever train you are on, but you NEVER would take a train and then get out somewhere and catch a cab there, would make no sense....not sure why that bothered me, but it did.
- Set in the 90's. Just didn't see the need for it. I get it that you didn't want cell phones to be around, but I just didn't see the need to be set in that time unless you really wanted to add some nostalgia to your story like 90's music, clothing styles, outside news going on at the time. I just think it could have been set in the present with a few tweaks and I wouldn't have had a problem with it.
- The ending was just too perfect. Perfect guy gets perfect girl while super hot chick ends up with perfect guys perfect looking brother and they all live perfectly ever after. They all have money to do whatever they want with. Their future seems too perfect, and no suspense. Everyone, just too damn happy. I hate perfect people with perfect lives, but maybe that's just me.
- Cliches, there were tons. I have a feeling you were going for a John Corey type sense of humor (DeMille), and there were some funny parts, but at times there was too much.
FYI, everything above is just my opinion, and not meant in any harsh way at all, just constructive criticism. I mean who the hell am I to give advice. Props again on your debut, and here's to many more which I will be looking forward too. Congrats.
PS......The couple chapter preview of your new book at the end on my kindle really piqued my interest and look forward to buying it when it comes out.
gl
BDB,
Thank you for the sincere feedback. I appreciate every last bit of it and I definitely didn't take it as harsh at all. It was honest, just like I requested.
You are probably right in regards to my character development and their lack of flaws. Definitely something I need to work on as well as limiting the cliches. It's funny you mention Demille, because John Corey is my favorite character and if I tried to emulate any writer it would be Demille and his dry wit.
As far as the happy ending, I'm now wishing I would've gone with the alternative I'd written. I was thinking that after he was almost killed and his mom died, he deserved a little happiness.
With regards to having it set in the 90's, the move and the job was something I actually did in 1995 and I wrote it from that perspective because that's how I remembered it, right down to my old Motorola StarTac. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.
I'll be honest, I thought the Metra was the only mass transit system in Chicago. I lived in Lombard for a few months after Oklahoma, but didn't make it into the city too often. I didn't realize the subway was a different entity altogether. From what I remember though, I wanted Amanda's trip to O'hare to be somewhat circuitous to enable her getaway.
Thank you again for the time you invested in giving me feedback. Please let me know when you get your book out there, as I'd love to read it. All the best to you, BDB.
:toast:
Thank you for the sincere feedback. I appreciate every last bit of it and I definitely didn't take it as harsh at all. It was honest, just like I requested.
You are probably right in regards to my character development and their lack of flaws. Definitely something I need to work on as well as limiting the cliches. It's funny you mention Demille, because John Corey is my favorite character and if I tried to emulate any writer it would be Demille and his dry wit.
As far as the happy ending, I'm now wishing I would've gone with the alternative I'd written. I was thinking that after he was almost killed and his mom died, he deserved a little happiness.
With regards to having it set in the 90's, the move and the job was something I actually did in 1995 and I wrote it from that perspective because that's how I remembered it, right down to my old Motorola StarTac. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.
I'll be honest, I thought the Metra was the only mass transit system in Chicago. I lived in Lombard for a few months after Oklahoma, but didn't make it into the city too often. I didn't realize the subway was a different entity altogether. From what I remember though, I wanted Amanda's trip to O'hare to be somewhat circuitous to enable her getaway.
Thank you again for the time you invested in giving me feedback. Please let me know when you get your book out there, as I'd love to read it. All the best to you, BDB.
:toast:
Ben... Finished it a couple days ago, good read especially for your 1st book. Only have a couple of comments.
I'm not sure I might have skipped something but one part she bought the home in OK & then she was living or going to live in FL. What happened in OK for her to move. Also, I get the feeling that you do not think kindly of smokers. Seemed your characters viewed them as low bottom people. Just wanted to let you know we can read & we do buy books.
Looking forward to reading your new book. GL
I'm not sure I might have skipped something but one part she bought the home in OK & then she was living or going to live in FL. What happened in OK for her to move. Also, I get the feeling that you do not think kindly of smokers. Seemed your characters viewed them as low bottom people. Just wanted to let you know we can read & we do buy books.
Looking forward to reading your new book. GL
Just finished reading your book and enjoyed it! Also, I posted a review on Amazon and hope others would do so too.
Mover,
First off thank you for taking the time to read the book, for your kind words and your comments. In regards to your question, Amanda had made the offer on the house, but decided later on that a fresh start was the better option.
In regards to your comment about the smokers, I definitely don't think smokers are a lower class of people, far from it. I just hate cigarettes and what they do to people, and it's interesting to me how the smoking angle came across to you. My mom died from cancer, from a lifetime of smoking, at the young age of 61 and there are parallels in the story of Caleb's mom. Maybe it's still a little raw for me, and it showed up in the book. I miss her so much and I get angry if I think about it too much.
Ronnie,
Thank you for the review and the kind words. Reviews are awesome and hard to come by, but I don't want to harass people about leaving them. I figure if I do enough of a good job and write a compelling enough story, then the reviews will come.
Again, thanks to both of you gents. :toast:
My new book is out now, but if you want to purchase it, wait until Thursday or Friday when it's free on Amazon. It's titled Killing Chase. Here's the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Chase...&qid=1370840188&sr=1-1&keywords=Killing+Chase
First off thank you for taking the time to read the book, for your kind words and your comments. In regards to your question, Amanda had made the offer on the house, but decided later on that a fresh start was the better option.
In regards to your comment about the smokers, I definitely don't think smokers are a lower class of people, far from it. I just hate cigarettes and what they do to people, and it's interesting to me how the smoking angle came across to you. My mom died from cancer, from a lifetime of smoking, at the young age of 61 and there are parallels in the story of Caleb's mom. Maybe it's still a little raw for me, and it showed up in the book. I miss her so much and I get angry if I think about it too much.
Ronnie,
Thank you for the review and the kind words. Reviews are awesome and hard to come by, but I don't want to harass people about leaving them. I figure if I do enough of a good job and write a compelling enough story, then the reviews will come.
Again, thanks to both of you gents. :toast:
My new book is out now, but if you want to purchase it, wait until Thursday or Friday when it's free on Amazon. It's titled Killing Chase. Here's the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Chase...&qid=1370840188&sr=1-1&keywords=Killing+Chase
just got my wife a mini ipad and the first thing we did is order it on kindle. i'll try to read it this week...
Shameless plug, but my second novel, Killing Chase, is free today and tomorrow on Amazon. As always, I'm interested in your feedback, regardless of whether you liked it or not.
www.amazon.com/dp/B00D7O7RE8
Thanks, y'all. :0008
www.amazon.com/dp/B00D7O7RE8
Thanks, y'all. :0008
Dammit
I have reading comprehension issues....I spent 99c on it on Tuesday......so when you are building that mansion or better yet yacht (u seem well versed on that) remember that 99c I'm laying the foundation....
Kindle says I'm 60 percent done and definitely digging it....quick read and right on par with a Patterson novel...I'll give a review later but you've definitely ended chapters well so far with making me turn page foreshadowing...and the Russian chick and FBI agent sound super hot....
Gl
BDB, refund that sucker, and get it again for free. Glad it's holding your interest so far. Feel free to let me know what you think when you're done.
How's your writing coming along?
Mansion. Yacht. :mj07: Not anytime soon.
How's your writing coming along?
Mansion. Yacht. :mj07: Not anytime soon.
hey ben......will let you know but so far so good
writings fine.....outline pretty much finished.....just need to find time in my life to really put a legit effort into finishing it. the outline is much tougher than the writing is. i can write for days if i have time.
as for the refund, i'm kidding and can definitely spare the dough.
take care
BDB,
Totally agree that the outline is the toughest part of writing. Wait 'til you're finished with the book and have to work on promoting it as an indie author.
When you finish and get it ready, I would be happy to give you all the lowdown on promotions or help any way I could. :toast:
Totally agree that the outline is the toughest part of writing. Wait 'til you're finished with the book and have to work on promoting it as an indie author.
When you finish and get it ready, I would be happy to give you all the lowdown on promotions or help any way I could. :toast:
just downloaded your latest book onto my Kindle app on my Iphone. Hope to get started on next week while on vacation... :toast:
Finished your first book on my Kindle while camping and just got the second one. I too was confused as to buying the house in OK and then living in Florida but figured she just couldn't deal with being in that area. Good Job!